The Handsome Men Theme
by Sheo Darren
Summary: Crack fic. Part of the LGO Comedy Verse. Based on the story of the same name by Person with many aliases. Posted before the G.I. Joe live action movie destroys what little of our childhood survived the Transformers live action movie. Happy Valentine's Day


The male half of the Handsome Men jostled about the seats of the compound's auditorium.

"This is a waste of time," Leon grunted as he fitted himself within the folding chair as comfortably as he could.

"You got it right," Liam agreed.

Emir's grunted expletive over the sticky wad of chewed-up bubble gum that had stuck to his pants was unprintable.

"It sounds mysterious, all right," Jose admitted. Then he brightened up and added, "That makes it sound all the more interesting…"

Remembering sentient custom electric guitars and concerts hijacked by neo-Christian terrorists and demon gods of rock, Krauser sighed. Lazarus was even more mum.

"Why are you carrying a bouquet, Johnny?" Vincent asked.

"Oh, nothing…"

The stage's black curtains drew back. Its contents drew the handlers' stunned stares.

A grumpy Matilda stood out as the lone SWAT "toad" in the pond of US Special Forces "frogs" and one special case. Even the "mere" Marine (Force Recon, that is) that "was" Love was military in origin and special operations capable.

As to the rest of the girls: Jihad aptly played a Green Beret complete with said headgear. Ashley was similarly at home in her guise of a secretive Delta Force operator. Janie looked to be feeling the gung-ho of her snazzy 82nd Airborne "Screaming Eagles" battle dress uniform. Danielle cosplayed a US Army Ranger with even more fervor.

Yuki had switched her fuku out for… a US Navy sailor uniform. Not much of a change there, though the parakeet stuffed toy perched on her shoulder was admittedly nonstandard.

And May… wore a suspiciously familiar long-tailed coat and hat.

Ranger Danni scurried forward. ""Thank you for coming," she brightly bid. "We hope you enjoy our short presentation."

She took a bow and then twirled in place so as to present her back to the audience.

Eighties techno-music began playing. The music struck listeners as rather desperate.

"Where have I heard this before?" Vincent wondered aloud. Then he shut up as Danni spun about to face them.

**  
**_Crashing through the night_

_Comes a fearful cry:_

_KNiGHTS!_

**  
**"KNiGHTS!" the other girls flung back quite ominously.

**  
**_KNiGHTS!_

_(KNiGHTS!)_

**  
**_Armies of the night…_

_Evil taking flight…_

_KNiGHTS!_

_(KNiGHTS!)_

_KNiGHTS!_

_(KNiGHTS!)_

**  
**_No where to run;_

_No where to hide._

_Panic spreading far and wide…_

_Who can turn the tide?_

**  
**Danni's small chest puffed out for an almighty effort.

**  
**_**Handsome Men!**_

_(A real American hero!)_

_Handsome Men are there!_

**  
**The handlers stared. Certain of them expressed their shock more volubly.

"That was the opening song for GI Joe?" Vincent exclaimed.

**  
**_Handsome Men!_

_(A real American hero!)_

_Handsome Men are there!_

**  
**_Fighting for freedom_

_Wherever there's trouble_

_over land and sea and air…_

_Handsome Men are there!_

**  
**More shocks came soon enough.

**  
**_**"Handsome Men are the codename for American's daring, highly trained special mission force…"**_

**  
**Again the handlers did double-takes. "Mr. Superior?" they exclaimed.

The disembodied voice of their invisible boss continued to narrate a super-condensed description of his organization.

**  
**_**"…Its purpose: to defend human freedom against KNiGHTS, a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world."**_

**  
**"Handsome Men," Danni continued.

"A real American hero," her companions chorused.

**  
**_Handsome Men will dare!_

_Handsome Men!_

_(A real American hero!)_

_Handsome Men are there!_

_Fighting for freedom_

_Wherever there's trouble_

_over land and sea and air…_

_Handsome Men are there!_

**  
**The trench coat-wearing May stepped up to the front. **"KNiGHTS!"** she shrieked. She had Crazy Horse's accent down pat. **"Retreat! Retreat!"**

**  
**_Handsome Men!_

_(A real American hero!)_

_Handsome Men are there!_

_**Handsome Men~!!!**_

**  
**The girls bowed.

Vincent immediately stood up to applaud. The other handlers followed quickly or slowly as was their personal wont.

Johnny outdid them all. He ascended the stage with his bouquet of red roses. "Congratulations, May," he told his delighted ward.

"Oh, Johnny…"

The other girls stared in envy at May. Then they looked to their handlers.

"… uh, oh…"

**  
****Black; Claes, you will never believe what the other girls did this morning…**

Claes; It surely can't be worse than Triela teasing Hilshire…

**  
**"Jeremy, you're drinking too much Advil again…"

"Leave me alone… my fucking head fucking hurts for some fucking reason…"

"Language, Jeremy."

"…"

**  
**"Giuseppe," Rolito grandly declared, "We need a theme song."

His ward groaned.

**  
**So ends…

**  
****The Handsome Men Theme**

**  
**Disclaimers

**  
**The Handsome Men is the property of my good friend **Person with many aliases**, who allowed me to use (I initially wrote "use" as "sue"; ironic!) them, and to whom this fic is dedicated to. I must say: birds of the same feather flock together. Person's medically half insane. I'm half sane. Our theoretical Fusion Form's fighting level is probably over 9000. Be thankful we're separate individual entities. ^_^

**  
**The "Handsome Men Theme" was shamelessly plagiarized from the full theme song of the 1985 G.I. Joe cartoon by Sunbow. I thought I might as well get this out before the potentially craptastic live action movie hits the big screens.

**  
**The Handsome Men Lost Episode: DaiKrauser, which Krauser mentioned off-handedly, is owned by Sasahara17, another fine writer. Next update of One Hell Of A Ruckus, onegai!

**  
**Finally: Happy Valentine's Day! Nyar, nyar, nyahahaha…


End file.
